Just for Fun
- About the book of Job: If it were today, God might be asking "How does DNA carry traits? How are instincts passed on in animals? How does consciousness arise in the human body and brain, and what is consciousness? What is dark matter? How did the big bang happen? Why does the speed of light appear to be absolute? Is cold fusion possible? How do you program a TV remote control?"--Brian McLaren (A New Kind of Christianity)
- The airplane stays up because it doesn't have time to fall.--Orville Wright
- All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.--Ambrose Bierce
- All you really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.--Charles Schulz (via Lucy Van Pelt)
- As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.--Anonymous
- As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter a, e, or u is the proper time for chocolate.--Sandra Boynton (Chocolate: the Consuming Passion)
- Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.--Miss Piggy
- Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away--and barefoot.--Sarah Jackson
- Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.--George Eliot
- Bumper sticker: Auntie Em: Hate the farm, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.--Unknown
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.--Anonymous
- The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.--Evan Esar
- The cow is of the bovine ilk;
One end is moo, the other milk.--Ogden Nash ("The Cow")
- Denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older people, and greatly assists the circulation of their blood.--Logan Pearsall Smith
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?--Anonymous
- Do not compute the totality of your poultry population until all the manifestations of incubation have been entirely completed.--William Jennings Bryan
- Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'brightness', but it doesn't work.--Gallagher
- Due to budgetary restraints the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. We apologize if this inconveniences you in any way.--Anonymous
- The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.--Anonymous
- Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.--H. G. Wells
- Every man has one thing he can do better than anyone else--and usually it's reading his own handwriting.--G. Norman Collie
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.--Anonymous
- First we thought the PC was a calculator. Then we found out how to turn numbers into letters with ASCII--and we thought it was a typewriter. Then we discovered graphics, and we thought it was a television. With the World Wide Web, we've realized it's a brochure.--Douglas Adams
- Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.--Mark Twain (Pudd'nhead Wilson)
- Football combines two of the worst things about American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.--George Will
- Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.--Franklin P. Jones
- How many tech-support folks does it take to change a light-bulb?
Answer: We have a light-bulb here, and it works fine. Can you tell me what kind of bulb you have? OK. There could be four or five things wrong. Now, have you turned the light switch off and on?
- A hypocrite is the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree, then mount the stump and make a speech for conservation.--Adlai E. Stevenson
- I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.--G. K. Chesterton
- I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.--Groucho Marx
- I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.--Robert McCloskey
- I like terra firma; the more firma, the less terra.--George S. Kaufman
- I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining.--Jane Wagner
- I make it a policy to try never to make a complete idiot of myself twice in the same way. After all, there's always all kinds of new ways to make a complete idiot of myself. Why repeat the old ones?--Margot Dalton (Sagebrush and Sunshine said by Joanna McLean)
- I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on the frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words. When I was a boy, we were taught to be discrete and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly wise and impatient of restraint.--Hesiod (8th century B.C.)
- I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Indeed, unless the billboards fall
I'll never see a tree at all.--Ogden Nash
- I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.--Phyllis Diller
- I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it! . . There's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist? "
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
He said. "Christian."
I said, "Me too' Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
He said, "Baptist!!"
I said. "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
He said, "Baptist Church of God!"
I said. "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God or Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
He said. "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
I said. "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.--Emo Philips
- I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast any time." So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.--Steven Wright
- I won't eat anything that has intelligent life, but I'd gladly eat a network executive or a politician.--Marty Feldman
- I'd go to the end of the world for my husband. Of course, if he'd just stop and ask directions, I wouldn't have to.--Martha Bolton (I Love You Still)
- If it weren't for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn't get done.--Anonymous
- If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.--Chinese proverb
- If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation.--Jean Kerr (Please Don't Eat the Daisies)
- If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.--Bix Bender (Don't Squat with Your Spurs On)
- If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. That is the difference between dog and man.--Mark Twain
- In times like these it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.--Paul Harvey
- It has been kind of an exhausting week. Too bad it's only Monday.--Tom Tomorrow (on Twitter 4/9/12)
- It may not seem like much, but think of the consequences. One overdue library book today, the collapse of the universe by the end of the week.--Gareth Roberts (The English Way of Death)
- It's true that everything that could be said has been said.
It's also true that no one was listening.
Therefore, I'll say again...--Unknown
- Know yourself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.--Ann Landers
- Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.--Doug Larson
- The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.--(From an article on the growth of federal regulations in the Oct. 24th issue of National Review)
- A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight train, but if he has a university education he may steal the whole railroad.--Franklin D. Roosevelt
- The mind is like a TV set--when it goes blank, it's a good idea to turn off the sound.--Communication Briefings
- Misanthropes need people; without a steady supply, the misanthrope cannot fully apply his art.--Polly Whitney
- May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven half an hour
Before the devil knows you're dead.--Irish blessing
- Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.--Mary Ellen Kelly
- Nothing in this world is at it seems. Except, possibly, porridge.--Stephen Fry (on Twitter April 15, 2014)
- Nothing needs reforming so much as other people's habits.--Mark Twain
- Old-timers said the local train was so slow that the cowcatcher should be on the back instead of up front to discourage cows from climbing aboard the last car.--example sentence, Merriam-Webster's Word of the Day, 5/22/98
- Once there was an elephant
Who tried to use the telephant.
No! no! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone.
Dear me, I am not certain quite
That even now I've got it right.--Laura E. Richards ("Elephony")
- Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.--Terry Pratchett (Wyrd Sisters)
- The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.--Paul Fix
- The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.--Solomon Short
- Organizating is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.--A.A. Milne
- An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.--Stephen Fry
- The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.--Marty Feldman
- A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.--James Dent
- The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.--G. K. Chesterton
- Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, they go out and buy more tunnel.--John Quinton
- The problem with political jokes is that they get elected.--Unknown
- The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.--Dave Barry
- Question: How many Bush-Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any report of its lack of incandescence is a delusional spin by the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say about its going out undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?
- A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.--W. C. Fields
- Shakespeare was a dramatist of note
who lived by writing things to quote.--H. C. Bunner
- Some people find fault like there is a reward for it.--Zig Ziglar (Zig Ziglar's Little Book of Big Quotes)
- Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.--W. C. Fields
- Strength is the ability to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of those pieces--Judith Viorst
- The telephone book is full of facts, but it doesn't contain a single idea.--Mortimer J. Adler
- Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn't have in your house.--David Frost
- There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.--Linda Grayson
- There's only two things that money can't buy, and that's true love and homegrown tomatoes.--Guy Clark
- They laughed at Joan of Arc, but she went right ahead and built it anyway.--Gracie Allen
- They say that the more a person learns, the more they find there is to learn. Therefore the smarter you think you are, the dumber you really are.--Chris Hamono
- This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them.--Gracie Allen
- Those who think they know it all are very annoying to those who do.--Sheetz ("Sheetz's Rumination" in 1,001 Logical Laws comp. by Peers)
- Things ain't what they used to be and never were.--Will Rogers
- Toe: A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark.--Rilla May
- Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.--George Burns
- Two goats are eating cans of film on the back lots of MGM Studios. One goat turns to the other and says, "This film is good." To which the other goat responds, "Not as good as the movie."--Unknown (On Course Magazine)
- Walking is a form of exercise that loses some appeal when it's done behind a lawn mower.--Gary L. Fletchall
- We, the unwilling,
led by the unknowing,
are doing the impossible
for the ungrateful.
We have done so much,
for so long,
with so little,
we are now qualified
to do anything
- Weekends are a bit like rainbows; they look good from a distance but disappear when you get up close to them.--John Shirley
- We've heard that a million monkeys at a keyboard could produce the Complete Works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.--Robert Wilensky
- What are the three words a man can say to a woman to make her happy? "I was wrong!"--Lana Banana
- When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.--Lily Tomlin
- Whether it is fun to go to bed with a good book depends a great deal on who's reading it.--Kenneth Pachen
- Why waste your time looking up your family tree? Just go into politics, and your opponents will do it for you.--Mark Twain
- Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.--Tom Wilson
- You can swim all day in the Sea of Knowledge and still come out completely dry. Most people do.--Norton Juster
- You can't put a price tag on love, but you can on all it accessories.--Melanie Clark
- You can't tell a book by its movie.--Louis A. Safian (the Book of Updated Proverbs)
- You gotta be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.--Yogi Berra
- Your talk was simply superfluous. It should be published posthumously. And the sooner the better.--Anonymous
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This page last updated April 1, 2017.